So I had an anxiety attack today.
To say "Oh, that's normal it just happens" would be true, but doesn't make it any less strange to say. How has stress and anxiety become "normal." Each individual has a different definition of what normal is to them, and I can say my normal has changed dramatically in the last year.
I was never the girl that went out and partied in my teens or college days, I didn't get wasted blow off class, try drugs, cheat. I was the one that hung out cutting up with friends during breaks, went shopping with my mom or friends after school or on weekends. Movie nights at the theater became normal for nearly two years with my friends, double features happened occasionally because I'm a bit of a movie addict.
Can you believe I didn't get Netflix until last month? Hawaii 5-0 had become a thing.
Changing to a new full time position in 2014 was great and last year I stopped working two jobs which had drained my social calendar, but not my social life. I thought wow and yay and I'm loving my job and life...and then I started have anxiety attacks.
I'd love to blame the new job responsibilities or co workers, or the man in the moon. But it took a while, I'm a very self reliant person so I blamed me, still do. I don't know what actually led to my nerves sizzling out; however, I know this: I wanted control back.
I waited until November to seek help. I talked to my doctor and started a low dose anti-depressant medicine and was given an anxiety pill with instruction to take it at any onset of an attack "Lick it if that's what you have to do." The other warning, it's powerful and can be addicting. I suffered two maybe three more attacks before I actually cut one in half and took it, which worked the first time or two until it didn't. I can't just lick the pill, take a fourth, or half I have to take a whole one so I panicked.
Each time I spoke to my doctor she asked if I needed a refill, I said no. Truth is I refuse to rely on a pill, I refuse to release control and become reliant on a medicine. That being said I was carrying the bottle with me as my doctor, family, and friend advise "Just in case." Key word being 'was' I changed purses a few weeks ago, you can see where I'm heading right?
Today was different. Normal is shortness of breathe, sharp pains, tighten in my chest, and the rest I can't describe it just is there. Today I didn't have the chest pain I had numbness shoot through me, literal tingling in my hands and jelly legs. My hands were shaking and until I was sitting in a parked car in Walmart I didn't realize I was getting ready to break. I had one request get me home and leave me alone. I knew it was coming, the fracture would splinter and I would shatter.
But I got home did my autopilot mode and crawled into the bed with my dog, focused on breathing and tried to read on my nook. I don't remember falling asleep, but my mom woke me up five hours later. My mouth was dry and I think someone decided to weigh my muscles down with weights.
I've gone through the motions and tried to think how can I start pulling myself out of this. I'm okay with change on most occasions, it happens I can't control everything just roll with the wave and ride the wake. But I miss me...I miss who I was. I've grown as a person, but I've lost the part that made me happy.
I shopped, probably more then I should but now I'd rather stay home and browse online. My passion for movies, I went to the video store on Wednesday and couldn't tell you what half of those were about; once upon a time I watched every trailer had lists of movies coming out for the year of what I wanted to see each month. Friends, I miss drinks with the girls, or calling my friend I've not seen since middle school but talked to for hours at a time, or spending hours on skype or texting even though we'd just left each other. Writing, I'm a poet and there was a time when I ran a writing group in college and attended a poetry night once a month. Creating art, hello I'm a crafter Pintrest should be banned from me...now I just hit the heart. Travel, my goal my passion my hunger until it wasn't. was the girl singing in the car with her friends cutting up or always craving the energy of live music not from trends and pop culture, but from the sounds that beat in me.
I was never a girly girl, more like I lived in jeans, converses/Old Navy flip flops, and hoodies. Then I started watching Youtube and found an encouraging community and loved it. Until I couldn't. Not because I was stopped or had things going on, but because I was at the point where I didn't care. Forget the makeup I had bought, screw the nail polishes I hoarded (yeah yeah most are purple), dump the closet of flattering clothes and nice shoes I'd started to build for a work and play life I was creating. Until I wasn't.
Easy things to fix. I coped moped through my day made excuses not hang out at night. Who needed home ball games, or action packed films (or mushy love stories on occasion), videos talking about self value or the latest products.
I canceled on a weekend trip for a huge metal festival two days before we were to leave. An hour from home. I love the money for a ticket and the room. I had to explain to a great friend that no matter what security she could offer me I couldn't go because I knew I wouldn't make it.
Someone described having anxiety as knowing that a fear is irrational or unlikely but you are unable to control it. There was more to it then that and better said, but hearing that recently made me want to start pushing forward and not feeling confided inside a house or a room.
Today was a bad day.
I went as far as I could and had to turn around. And I'm not okay with it today. I'm angry and sad and determined. Depression isn't confining as I'm sure many who are still reading may think, anxiety is.
So maybe the last week I pushed too much or today was just a trigger. Who knows.
I'm resolved to working towards progress and I'm starting here. Because writing was the first thing I lost. It's going to be slow and hell if I know where this will go. I can promise it won't always be sad or sappy, I will ramble on and on, and I will never know where the road will lead us, but I'm willing to ask for directions.
Sincerely,
To be continued...
